Dear Son

Dear Son,

Hard to believe that as I write this you are a mere 18 months old. You have been a blessing in our lives this past year and a half. You constantly make us laugh, cry, get mad but mostly you make us a family. Your mom and I have loved watching you grow and experience life as you go. We have watched you explore things, fall off things, pester the dogs and mostly show us unconditional love even though you may not understand exactly who we are or what we are here for.

I thought this would be a good way to maybe explain to you a little bit about us and what exactly we are here for. My son, your mother and I are here to ensure that you learn things as you grow. We are here to help you along the way by trying to eliminate the hurt you may feel. You know when you fall and we pick you up to let you know that we love you and the hurt will pass? That is what we are here for.  I am not going to lie, growing up will be difficult but I believe you will be a strong, confident kid and you will have no problems.

That being said, you will come across people in your life who’s only goal in their life is to hold you back and make sure you feel less significant as a human being. These people will call you names, names that I can’t even say right now because they are so bad. These people will try and keep you down and tell you things like you are “a nobody” and “you will never be more than a low life”. These people will make you cry and make you ask things like “why do they say those things?” “Why do they act like that?” “What makes them feel they are better than me?” The answer is not one that I know or will ever be able to understand, but one thing for certain is that your mother and I will be there to help you through these hard times.

I won’t begin to say that we will understand how you feel when you are called those names. But know for sure that you will always have us to come to and cry. You will always have us to console you. You will always have us to help you become stronger. You will always have us to ensure that you prove those people wrong and that you will become something bigger than their hateful words could ever conceive.

My son, you will be more powerful, more confident, more sure of yourself, more patient, more empathetic and have the ability to make major change in the world.

My son, I can’t believe it has been 18 months since you came into our lives, I can’t even imagine what our life would be without you in it. You have changed us. You have made us a family. You have already started making those changes in the world, even if it is just our little world right now.

My son, I love you. Your mom loves you. And we can’t wait to see what you achieve in your life!

Love Dad!

Until next time!

3 Years

Hard to believe it has been 3 years. Oh how our lives would be different today if we were celebrating a 3 year old's birthday today. Crystal would probably have prepared a fancy cake. I would have got together some decorations. We would most likely have our whole family over tonight for burgers and cake just to celebrate the past 3 years and how wonderful this person coming into our lives has been. However, this is not the case today. 3 years later and we are still waiting for this celebration. 3 years later we still have not been able to have these birthday parties. 3 years later we are still here. 

3 years later we are stronger!

When Crystal and I both had the idea of writing a blog post today she decided that I should be the one to do it. Obviously because I am the better writer. There can't be any other reason I am sure. So I asked her, should I make it sad? Or should I make it not so sad? Her response was: "Um. I guess it is up to you. It doesn’t really have to be sad as I don’t think we are sad anymore… but it is really dependent upon what you are feeling." And so I thought about this. I thought about how 3 years ago was one of the worst days in my life, in our lives. And I thought. I thought about how this sadness that had overcome me would always be there. And I thought. And I came to the conclusion that I'm not sad. Sure it still sucks and it happened, sure I still think about it on a regular basis, sure there are still times where I wonder what our lives could have been like. But sadness? It just isn't there. 

Deck

New garden

In the past 3 years a lot has happened in our lives. Crystal dad was hospitalized and is in need of a kidney (we just found out last week that her mom is a perfect match so we are excited for that). Crystal and I have done a lot of work on our house, putting in a new fence last summer as well as a new deck. We've built patio furniture and a garden. We put in new sod in the back yard. We've celebrated weddings. We've camped.

Patio furniture

We continue to be involved with our softball team. I have changed jobs. We've been on numerous trips from Oregon to Seattle to Boston to Vancouver to Winnipeg (going to Winnipeg). We bought a new puppy. All these things we probably still would have done, we just would have had a small human with us through that journey.

Harley and Penny

3 years is a long time. The healing process took awhile. But we have come out of this with more understanding, more empathy, more love, more dogs, less money (well probably the same amount if we had a kid) and a lot more strength.

Crystal and I have started a whole new adoption journey this past weekend one that will be a challenge but with everything that has happened we are ready. This past weekend we started the training to adopt through the government foster system. This route comes with a whole new level of challenges and risks. But we are ready to take it on full steam ahead. We hope that this way may be a little quicker then the domestic route but who knows. All I know is when we get either call for a match we will be ready.

I don't want this blog post to come across as a feel sorry for us or as a our life has been shit for the past 3 years. Because it hasn't. I wan't people to look at Crystal and I and see the fun, the love, the growth, the new patio furniture and the strength that we possess now. We have, for that past 3 years, used the term cautiously optimistic. This may have been true then, but now I can say that I am optimistic again. This will happen for us, it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow but it will happen. And if it takes a long time that is ok cause I know we have a lot more projects that we can complete well at least 95% of them.

Until Next Time!

The Journey

As I sit here thinking about what to write for this blog post I feel myself struggling to come up with things to talk about. I know when Crystal and I started this blog almost 3 years ago, it was to keep people informed about what we have been going through with our adoption process and it was about our house reno's and what they are looking like and we also had great aspirations to talk about just life in general. But as more things happened this kind of fell to the waste side.

Now that we are coming up on 3 years, 3 years, since we started this adoption process it is hard to stay positive and motivated to keep this blog updated. Crystal and I talk a lot about this blog and say we need to update, we should really update it, someone should write something. But as we talk we both know (or I assume we both know) that neither one of us want to write an update because it won't be happy, it won't be filled with the optimism or joy that it was filled with when we started, it will be filled with stories about how despondent and discouraged we are feeling about this process. How sad we are feeling.

So for those that don't know us well and for those that only see us through this blog let me enlighten you to our journey and why we have become discouraged.

As you will already know from reading this blog, Crystal and I had been matched and that mother decided to parent her little girl (who by the way would be turning 2 this year). But we have dealt with that and we still don't blame the mother, this was something that she chose for what she thought was best for her and her family and we can not hold that against her. Fast forward to 2014... Crystal and I get a call about another mother that wanted to meet us. She was pregnant, due in about 6 weeks and really liked our profile. So Crystal and I take a day off work and drive out to Brooks to meet with this mother. We hit it off, we found it completely different than with the last birth mom. This one just felt different, but somehow the exact same. A week before the due date this birth mom was talking to Crystal over Facebook and told her she was thinking of changing her mind. WHAT?, Can this be happening again? When Crystal first told me I was devastated again. How can this happen to us? Again? But here we were back to the point of feeling like we had been punched in the stomach. Needless to say, she did end up choosing to parent and Crystal and I went back on the wait list. There have been some other factors that have taking us to this path of discouragement, but things that don't really need to be talked about in a blog.

That has been our journey. It has sucked. It has been hard. Nothing has come easy. But that was our journey. Our journey has taken us to some unbelievable highs to some indescribable lows but it has been our journey.

One thing I have noticed a lot more recently is that people don't ask us about the process anymore. And I think I know why: Crystal and I have an odd way of dealing with this journey we have been on. It is a mixture of humor and sarcasm and I think it makes people uncomfortable and they don't really know what to say to us. So they are afraid to ask because we make them feel uncomfortable. And I think I am sorry about this but people have to understand that this is us, those that know us know that we use humor and sarcasm as a way to deal with difficult situations. I love talking about our journey, it is hard yes, but it has been such a large part of who I am and how Crystal and I have grown it is still something I love to share. So if you are curious about something, ask.

I am not a pessimist at all. I always try and look on the bright side and live my life with a positive outlook, but this process is getting the best of me. I have always been the one saying that oh this is normal, we'll be chosen again soon. But now I am not sure...

There are some things that I am sure about though. Crystal and I still love each other. We will always be there for each other. This journey has brought us closer. Whatever happens we will go through it together. She is still my partner in this journey.

Someone once said: It's not about the destination, it's about the journey. And if this journey has taught us anything it is that the destination will be wonderful and I couldn't imagine taking it with anybody else. So maybe I am still an optimist at heart.

Until Next Time...

One Year

It has been a year.

One year ago, on a perfect Friday morning just before noon, she was born. Dark hair, chubby cheeks and dimples...she had my heart long before she made her appearance. It was just shy of 23 hours later when her birth mom decided to parent her and we left the hospital empty handed. Watching our social worker confirm our worst fears was horrible. It was painful to tell our family and friends, to have to say the words aloud. Words we didn't even truly believe yet. In that moment, our lives had changed and yet, they stayed exactly the same…childless.  All of the plans and dreams we had, not only for that summer but for our future with her, were thrown out the window and we were left to face an empty nursery. To go back to how things were. We were back to waiting.

It has been a year.

We can’t help but wonder what our lives would have been like if things had turned out differently. We’d be celebrating this weekend. Today is her first birthday and I wonder how she is being celebrated. Are there presents and cupcakes? Is there family and friends gathered around? Is it just her mom and her sister blowing out the candles? We know she is loved. We know she is cared for.  But how is she being celebrated?

I've resisted the urge for this year to email the birth mom. To look her up on Facebook or Google. To inquire about what she named the baby.  To see how she is doing. I can’t help but wonder what she looks like. But I know my heart cannot handle what it would mean to see her.  

It has been a year.

We couldn’t have made it through this year without the support of our friends, family, co-workers and so many others. We often forget that our families lost a little girl that day too. A first granddaughter or another granddaughter, a niece, a cousin. We are grateful for our families and friends that drove many miles, that dropped everything, that came to support us. Those that grocery shopped and cleaned and cooked and offered to help, in any way they could. Those that packed away baby items for the next time. Those that cried with us and that “got” our need to laugh or cry at inopportune times. Friends who helped us forget, who heard our morbid sense of humour when we were grieving and didn’t completely judge us. Those who let us be quiet and silent or rehash those final moments if we needed to. People that asked questions and inquired about how we were doing. Everyone who encouraged us. Everyone that love(d) us. 

We wouldn't be able to look back on this year with the same clarity and optimism if it wasn't for our family and friends and those that have supported us with this adoption roller coaster.  

And for that and for you, we are grateful.

It has been a year. And we are hopeful.

Photos by KAS Images.

Waiting, Waiting and More Waiting

I realized that we are long overdue on an update. So without further ado....

The update is…there really isn’t much to update. We are still waiting.

We have been on the waitlist for 21 months now. It has been 10 months since were matched, 7 since the revocation and we are sitting at number 17 (officially) on the waitlist. We started around number 57 and in that time, we have been matched twice, met one birth mother, and had to make two decisions regarding whether our profile would be shown to a potential birth mother (we declined both times). We haven’t moved up (or down?) the waitlist in 2 months and it can be and is discouraging.  It isn't as if we are waiting for a random number to be called or to get to #1 (I hope we don’t make it to #1)…we are waiting for a birth mom/birthparents to choose us. To like us.  It can be horribly hard to place this kind of hope in a stranger, to like you enough off a set of pictures and write ups and references and think you are “qualified” to parent their child.  I am discouraged and frustrated but know that this is part of the process and we knew this going in. Still. It is hard to not imagine what this Christmas *should* have been like this year.

I am the pessimistic one, which I know isn't really a surprise!  I told Mick that if we are still on the list at the two year mark, which is in February, we will be getting another puppy. I figure that if we have another puppy who needs to go out in the middle of the night and dealing with the training and busyness of a dog, we will get matched with a newborn and our hands will be stressfully busier! Call it Murphy’s Law. I’m putting all my hope in crazy Murphy!

We had started our international paperwork but have decided to put that on hold. We have completed the international home study and reference checks and are awaiting final approval from the Alberta Government. The next step after we get approved would be to sign the contract and start to collect our dossier documents for our Manitoba agency. We have to use two agencies as our Alberta agency doesn't facilitate international adoptions so we have to double up.  (Also, see link for information on what is a dossier and what goes into it http://international.adoption.com/foreign/dossier.html) However, we have decided to put this next step on hold. While we knew that adoption, both domestic and international, were not inexpensive, we were shocked at the amount of the first payment installment (think…a decent used car). And we just don’t have that kind of money lying around, while still having a few fees to pay once matched in regards to the domestic. So…we are on hold - for the time being.

So we continue to wait and make plans and hope that we’ll have to cancel those plans because we’ll have a kidlet by that time. Both Mick and I have part time jobs to try to pay down our debt load and still save for adoption expenses and the loss of income during a parental leave all while trying to have some sort of a life. Juggling our schedules and being an adult is hard work!   

So in the meantime, I’m perusing dog breeds on Pinterest and picking out puppy names :) Anything to kill the time, right? 

What Went Wrong

Please excuse us while we jump around a bit in the timeline. Some of these posts were prior to baby arriving...

WHAT WENT WRONG??????

This had to be a mistake, some bad dream that I was in the middle of. Someone playing a very cruel joke on Crystal and I. I was expecting to wake up at any moment and have all this pain I was feeling gone and for us to be holding our little girl. Deep down I knew this was happening but still a part of me was hoping for that last minute reprieve, you know where the Warden stops the execution right before the injection happens. How do we go from the elation of having our baby in our arms the day before? To leaving the hospital the way we came, just the 2 of us.

April 26th was not like any other day. From conversations Crystal had with Courtney the day before we knew this day very well could end with us having a baby. So we were preparing and getting ready for that. 3:30am we get the call from Courtney, "I'm in labour, can you come pick me up?" Crystal and I were out the door and on our way before 4am. And all of us were at the hospital by 4:30am. Around 12:30pm I got the text from Crystal saying "She is here!" The feeling I felt was indescribable, I couldn't believe that the moment was here and then Crystal sent a picture. She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was ours, or so we thought.

Before I continue I need to take this time and give my wife the credit she deserves. Crystal stayed with Courtney from when we arrived at the hospital until we went home the next day. The strength that she showed through this time was unbelievable and I love her so much for it.

The evening of the 26th, we had now been at the hospital for over 15hours. Our social worker was there and we were just hanging out in the room getting to know our baby. Around 6pm the social worker could tell that something was "off" with Courtney so she asked Crystal and I to go get some coffee so she could talk and see what is up. At this point our minds started to wander, what is going on? Is she changing her mind? Why do we need to leave? We were panicking a bit. After about an hour we got the OK from Jerri (Social Worker) that we could come back to the room, as we arrived Jerri said that everything was good, Courtney took that time to grieve the loss that was about to happen and did everything that she was supposed to do. In our minds and Jerri's mind everything was text book, we would be taking the baby home tomorrow once Courtney has signed the paper work. So I went home. I had been up for a while and I was fading fast. The 2 ladies that had been through so much more than I had mocked me for being tired, but I knew that I wanted to be refreshed and ready to go for the next day as it was going to be awesome. Courtney wanted us to be at the hospital overnight to start bonding with baby as soon as possible. She knew those first few hours and moments were priceless so even though it felt awkward, Crystal stayed at the hospital, overnight, "sleeping" on a not so comfortable chair. Again the strength she had... Unbelievable.

About 11pm that night, I got a text from Crystal saying that Courtney said she could go home if she wanted, Crystal said no way and decided to stay. Looking back now she thinks this point in the night might have been a crucial time that changed our lives.

Saturday. April 27th. I woke up to a wonderful text message with a picture of a very beautiful little girl. What a way to wake up. Today was going to be a good day. I made my way to the hospital to pick up our baby and take her home, little did I know at that time I wouldn't be. When I arrived I met Crystal in the hall as Courtney's family was in the room with her. Jerri arrived about 45minutes after I did and decided to go talk to Courtney. We decided to head back to the room and as we did Jerri stopped us and asked us to come out to the hallway as she wanted to talk to us. We could tell something was not right. Just outside the doors Crystal looks at Jerri and says "she is keeping her isn't she?" Jerri just stared at us and said "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened."

That moment those words came out of Jerri's mouth was one of the worst moments I have ever experienced. Crystal and I as a couple have had to deal with some loss and grief together but nothing as personal as the loss of a child. It was devastating. Here we were in a hallway at the hospital crying our eyes out because our worst fear had just been realized. Automatically we start thinking, What Happened? What went wrong? Why is she doing this? All these questions we know we probably would never get answers too but still WHY? Why us? What happened? Was it her family? Did they talk her into keeping her baby? Was it something we did in the last 2 days? We probably would never know, all we knew was now we had to tell everyone. Our first calls were to our parents. I remember calling my dad and him asking me if I was kidding, my response "do you think I would f**king kid about something like that?" Yeah emotions were running a little high at that point.

So it was done. Crystal and I gathered our stuff and left the hospital, just the 2 of us. Probably one of the worst drives home we have ever had, to go along with one of the worst days in our lives. One of the things that hurt the most about this situation is that I never got to see our girl on the 27th. The last time I saw her was 9pm the night before. Sometimes I think this was a good thing because then it would make it easier, but let me tell you, I was smitten from that very first picture Crystal sent me a mere few minutes after she was born. That girl already had her "dad" wrapped around her finger and she wasn't even a day old. Even now as I write this I am getting teary (which at work can be awkward) but knowing that there was nothing we did and nothing we could have done has helped heal. Crystal and I have grown a lot since then, we have become stronger, my love for her has grown stronger seeing her strength and weakness through this. As hard as this was, we know exactly "What Went Wrong". Courtney didn't realize the emotions and love she carried for that little girl, and fell in love with her as much as we did when she was born and who can blame Courtney... She was perfect.

Until Next Time!

Where Are We Now?

Please excuse us while we jump around a bit on posting. We are trying to keep this blog current while also filling in the gaps! 

My initial knee jerk reaction in the day or two after Courtney decided to parent, was that I couldn't and wouldn't do this again.  My heart was in pieces and I didn't think I could handle going through all of the steps again. I dreaded receiving another matching phone call. I dreaded having to tell our family and close friends again for I knew what they would be thinking...as we were going to be thinking it too. "What if this one doesn't work out either". I didn't think I was strong enough to handle what felt like another personal rejection.

We were going to take some time "on hold" on the list (which just means that our profile is not shown to prospective birth parents) and mend our wounds. 

We met with our social worker about 3 days after leaving the hospital. We felt we needed some closure. We found out that we were, in fact, already back on the list. I wasn't sure how I felt about that but after a good chat with our social worker and her encouragement, we decided to let the process run it's course and wait and see. We could be waiting 3 months, we could be waiting another year.  Our social worker, Jerri, knows that we are going to be a bit more gun-shy the next time around and that is understandable. Our agency is great and will work with us, providing us all the support we need. 

My friend asked me if we could do it all over again the same way, with the 3 months notice and the getting to know birth mom through emails, attending doctor visits, being in the delivery room, holding baby first, spending the night in the hospital....and having potentially the same outcome, would we? Would I? Could I? Could I put myself through that again? 

After some thought....I realized that I would. In a heartbeat. 

That's how I know that this process, while not for everyone...is what we have to do to build our family and we'll do it over again as many times as we have to. And it will make me stronger and make us stronger together. After all, this was probably the first "together" tragedy that Mick and I have had to face. And we survived. 

Having those months to get to know Courtney made it less awkward and we honestly felt that we could have  had an open adoption plan that would work for both of us. I felt like I had made a connection to her, which in part, made the revocation that much harder but in the end we choose to believe that Courtney made the only decision she could. I loved being apart of the birth and being able to hold baby first, was priceless to me. I'd do it again.  

So...where are we now? 

On the wait list, we are officially number 22 but with 3 couples "on hold" in front of us, we are technically #19. They are on hold, waiting for the birth of their kidlet so I will keep my fingers crossed for them, that they get to go home with their babe and live happily ever after. 

We know the numbers mean very little as a birth mom can pick someone from anywhere on the list (after all, we were #34 when Courtney picked us!) but the smaller the number, the bigger the anticipation grows. 

We have also decided to double up on our adoption chances. I've always wanted to pursue an international adoption and we knew that we would eventually but it seems that the "eventually" is now. We have started the paperwork and process for applying for an international child(ren). We have been "approved" by the government to pursue an Ethiopia and now we just have to jump through our local agency hoops and a get approval from a coordinating agency in Manitoba as well. We are excited and nervous about this option as the wait time is longer (approx 4 years) and the financial side will be (very) stressful. We know that doing this process now, while we wait for a domestic adoption, makes the most sense to (hopefully!) shorten our waiting time in the long run. 

So that is where we are at. We are doing well. We are forging ahead. Sometimes we catch ourselves imagining what she would have been doing and how she would have fit into our lives, but I think for the most part, we've reached acceptance with the situation. She was never meant to be ours and so we'll continue to wait and think about and dream for the child(ren) that will one day be ours. Officially.